


Karkat Vantas and that Stupid Fucking Stone

by SlytherinPirate



Series: Hogwartstuck [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 21:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinPirate/pseuds/SlytherinPirate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Karkat's first year at Hogwarts! He's going to go through almost the same story as Harry originally did, but just a little different. No pairings in this one, though in the later parts of the series, there will be ships.<br/>(i do not own Homestuck or the Harry Potter series)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first one.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You like SAPPY ROMANCE MOVIES and your hobbies include YELLING and CURSING. Today you got a LETTER in the mail inviting you to HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY. This comes as no surprise to you, seeing as your ANNOYING OLDER BROTHER already goes to this school. You don’t particularly look forward to it but you’ve been longing to get out of this dingy hole your dad calls a house for such a long time. Next week you are going to DIAGON ALLEY to get your school supplies.

On September 1st, you are at the train station, heading towards Platform 9¾, where the train is supposed to pick you up at 11 o’clock. As you’re wheeling your trolley towards the platform, a black-haired bespectacled boy around your age bounces up to you.  
EB: Excuse me? I saw your cart. Are you going to Hogwarts? I am. But I don’t know how to get to the train. I don’t see Platform 9¾ anywhere!  
CG: IT’S THROUGH THAT BRICK WALL, IDIOT.  
EB: What? How?!  
CG: JUST RUN THROUGH IT.  
EB: Haha. Very funny. I know when I’m being pranked.  
CG: WHATEVER.  
You leave the kid standing there lost, and you go up to the barrier. You assume your brother is already on the other side. He probably got ahead of you while you were talking to that idiot over there. You look at the wall ahead of you and start to walk, eventually turning into a run. You go through the barrier. As soon as you get through, your brother’s annoying voice starts ringing in your ear.  
KANKRI: Karkat. Where were y9u? Y9u made me very w9rried. I g9t thr9ugh the 6arrier, turned ar9und, and y9u were g9ne-  
Blah blah blah blah blah. Man, you wish he wouldn’t talk so much. You stand and “listen” to his lecture. It lasts about 7 minutes. Shorter than usual. You eventually manage to shrug him off and get onto the train. By this time it’s really crowded and you can barely walk without getting run over by some upperclassman. You look in compartment after compartment. None of them are empty. You stick your head in an empty-seeming compartment and are immediately grabbed by the arm.  
EB: Hey! Hi again! :B I made it through the platform alright. Turns out you were right, you are supposed to run through the brick wall!  
CG: HOLY FUCK DUDE DON’T GRAB MY ARM LIKE THAT  
EB: Sorry...  
CG: YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME...  
EB: You wanna sit down?  
He sits down and pats the seat across from him, indicating that’s where you should sit. You reluctantly put your butt on the seat. The kid smiles like an idiot.  
EB: I’m John.  
He offers his hand.  
CG: KARKAT.  
You don’t take his hand.  
EB: That’s such a cool name!  
The kid’s not withdrawing his hand.  
EB: My name is so ordinary. “John Egbert” I mean, honestly! Oh hey, do you know about magic? I don’t know anything... Is your family magical? I saw someone walking with you at the train station. He looked a lot like you. Was that your brother?  
Oh God, he’s talking almost as much as your brother does. You don’t know if you can take much more of this...  
EB: See, I knew nothing about magic before I got my letter!  
And he still has that incredibly stupid smile.  
EB: When I was little, my dad used to bring me to a river and we would sit on a bridge with our feet hanging over the edge and we would throw sticks into the water and watch them flow downstream. Man, that was fun.  
Okay, that’s it.  
CG: JUST, SHUT UP!! OH MY GOD, YOU TALK ALMOST AS MUCH AS MY BROTHER  
EB: So he IS your brother!  
CG: UGH.  
EB: I knew it ‘cus he just looked so much like you! He’s got darker hair though. More of an auburn colour. Yours is bright red!  
Your ears turn pink. You know your hair looks like it’s on fire. Why does he have to go and point it out?  
EB: I always thought it would be kinda cool to have red hair. Man, you have a lot of freckles.  
You narrow your eyes at him. But just as you are about to say something, the compartment door slides open.  
CA: wwell wwell wwell wwhat havve wwe here  
CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU  
CA: only the sexiest fucker you wwill evver meet  
CG: …  
CG: THAT DOESN’T TELL ME ANYTHING  
The boy, in your opinion, isn’t very “sexy” at all. He has light blond hair with a purple streak in the middle and ridiculous hipster glasses. Another boy suddenly appears next to the ridiculous purple guy.  
TA: eriidan what the fuck are you doiing  
CA: wwhat does it look like? i’m meetin our felloww classmates  
TA: yeah, more liike hiittiing on them  
CA: sol it’s not like i hit on evveryone i meet  
TA: ye2 iit ii2  
CA: no it’s not  
TA: ye2 iit ii2  
CA: no it’s not  
TA: ye2 iit ii2  
CA: no it’s not!  
TA: ye2 iit ii2!  
Just then a girl steps in between them. She has long brown hair and pink glasses with a pink headband. Her eyes are narrowed at the two boys.  
CC: Guys, w)(at is going on?  
CA: wwell i wwas just talkin to these twwo and then sol came and interrupted  
TA: all you were doiing wa2 hiittiing on them!  
CC: O)( my glub....  
She steps into the compartment and turns to you and John.  
CC: )(i, I’m Feferi. T)(ese two clownfis)( are Sollux and Eridan. W)(o are you?  
EB: I’m John and this is Karkat. Nice to meet you!  
CC: Nice to meet you too! I’ll bring t)(ese two back to our compartment so t)(ey won’t bot)(er you anymore.  
She takes the two bickering boys by the arm and drags them away. The girl seems nice enough, but you can’t even tell which of the boys you find more annoying. You decide you dislike the purple hipster one more. You can vaguely hear John talking about something in the distance, but you can’t tell what it is and you don’t want to listen.  
A few minutes later, the compartment door slides open yet again. There is a timid looking boy with a small mowhawk standing in the doorway.  
AT: uHHH,,, h-HAVE YOU SEEN A WAND ANYWHERE?,,, i,,, uHHH,,, cAN’T SEEM T-TO FIND MINE,,,,,  
CG: NO, WE HAVEN’T.  
AT: oH,,, wELL,,,, tH-THANKS ANYWAYS,,,,,  
He rolls away. You lean back in your seat with a sigh. Already you hate this school. But you’d rather be here than at home, so you shouldn’t be complaining. The door slides open AGAIN.  
AG: Have you guys seen a wand? An idiot called Tavros lost one.  
CG: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, WE HAVEN’T SEEN ANYONE’S WAND.  
EB: Woah, calm down Karkat!  
He extends a hand to the girl.  
EB: I’m John Egbert.  
AG: Vriska Serket.  
EB: And this is Karkat. Karkat... Hey, what is your last name, Karkat?  
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?  
EB: Because you’re my friend!  
CG: VANTAS. KARKAT VANTAS.  
AG: Whatever. I 8etter get 8ack to helping that idiot with his wand. See you, John!  
EB: Bye Vriska!  
You have had just about enough with visitors. Why does everyone have to visit your compartment in particular? Maybe it’s that John kid? Yeah, you decide your irritation is his fault. Having something be Egbert’s fault seems to make you feel a little better. You close your eyes and lean back in your seat. You groan as you hear the door open for a fourth time.  
KANKRI: 9h g99d, Karkat, I finally f9und y9u.  
It’s your brother. Terrific.  
KANKRI: Ah, I’m glad t9 see y9u’ve made a friend.  
He turns to Egbert.  
KANKRI: I am Kankri Vantas, Karkat’s 6r9ther.  
EB: I’m John Egbert. Karkat told me about you. What year are you in?  
KANKRI: I am in my third year at H9gwarts this year.  
He smiles smugly.  
KANKRI: Y9u tw9 had 6est get changed. We will 6e arriving sh9rtly.  
He leaves the compartment. Egbert draws the curtains and gets out his robes from his trunk.  
EB: Come on, Karkat. We need to change!  
CG: …  
EB: Oh, it’s okay. You don’t have to worry. I’m not a homosexual.  
You sigh and start getting changed.

You and the other first-years march into the Great Hall to get sorted into the four houses, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. One by one, you are called up to the sorting hat.  
“Ampora, Eridan.” The annoying hipster boy goes up. “Slytherin!” As he goes to the Slytherin table, a boy, presumably his brother, high-fives him.  
“Captor, Sollux.” The boy who was fighting with Ampora walks up. He has black hair and what looks like 3D glasses. You think this is ridiculous. “Ravenclaw!”  
“Egbert, John.”  
EB: Oh boy, Karkat! Wish me luck!  
He bounces up to the hat. “Gryffindor!”  
Harley, Jade. A girl with long black hair and glasses goes up. She looks pretty cheerful. “Gryffindor!”  
Lalonde, Rose. A girl with short blond hair and a headband. “Gryffindor!” Wow, lots of Gryffindors.  
Leijon, Nepeta. This girl kind of reminds you of a cat. “Hufflepuff!”  
Makara, Gamzee. Why is he wearing face paint? He looks like a clown. “Hufflepuff!”  
Maryam, Kanaya. You can tell she cares about looks way too much. “Ravenclaw!”  
Megido, Aradia. Wow, that is a lot of bushy dark brown hair. “Hufflepuff!”  
Nitram, Tavros. The wheelchair boy rolls up. “Gryffindor!” Seriously? That wimp is in Gryffindor?  
Peixes, Feferi. The girl who calmed down Ampora and Captor walks up. “Ravenclaw!”  
Pyrope, Terezi. Wow, she’s pretty. Woah. Okay. “Gryffindor!” From dreading going into Gryffindor, you’re now really hoping you get in.  
Serket, Vriska. Oh this is the girl that John likes. She has long blond hair and glasses. “Slytherin!” Aw, now Egbert looks upset. You don’t really care.  
Strider, Dave. Cool kid. Sunglasses and everything. “Gryffindor!” The Terezi girl looks happy. You do not.  
Vantas, Karkat. Oh shit. Your turn. You hope no one notices your legs shaking as you go up and sit on the stool. The hat is placed over your head. Not a moment later and it has yelled, “Gryffindor!” You sigh, relieved as you head towards the Gryffindor table. John stands up and takes your hand and leads you to where he’s sitting. He has that big derpy smile again.  
Only one kid left.  
Zahhak, Equius. A tall dark boy goes up and is immediately sorted into “Hufflepuff!” Headmaster Dumbledore gives a short speech and then food appears. You dig in greedily. You feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn around to see your brother standing there, smiling.  
KANKRI: C9ngratulati9ns 9n making it int9 Gryffind9r, Karkat. I kn9w that y9u will 6e very successful here.  
You grunt a thanks and turn back to your food.


	2. Vriska is a Bad Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I deleted the original chapter for a better, updated one. This one is infinitely better and funnier.

A few weeks have passed since the start of your Hogwarts career. You are sitting in the hallway with John, working on a constellation chart for astronomy. You hear John’s annoying voice blabbering away. You wonder who he could be talking to.

AG: Hey, John!

EB: Oh hi, Vriska!

AG: You wanna go exploring around the school later?

EB: Sure!

AG: Awesome! Wanna meet 8y the astronomy tower at midnight?

EB: Midnight? I dunno… We might get in trouble.

AG: Don’t worry a8out it. We won’t 8e caught.

EB: Promise?

AG: Promise >:)))))

EB: Ok sure! See you tonight!

She leaves with a wave. You turn to your idiot friend.

CG: YOU KNOW SOMEHOW I DON’T THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA.

EB: But Vriska said we wouldn’t be caught!

You roll your eyes at the fool.

CG: PEOPLE LIE.

EB: But Vriska-

CG: THAT GIRL IS BAD NEWS. I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD HANG OUT WITH HER.

Oh no. He’s making that face. Damn those big eyes. Oh please no don’t cry damnit.

CG: NO WAIT DAMNIT DON’T CRY. FINE, YOU CAN GO.

And there’s that smile.

CG: BUT I’M COMING TOO.

EB: Awesome! This is gonna be so fun! We can go prank people in the dark!

CG: WE ARE NOT GOING PRANKING.

EB: Why not?

CG: DO YOU WANT TO GET US EXPELLED?

EB: Well, no…

CG: WE’RE NOT GOING PRANKING.

EB: Fine…

That night, you and John climb out of the portrait hole to find Tavros on the other side.

AT: oH,,,, h-HEY GUYS,,,,,

CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AT: oH,,, wELL,,,, nO ONE WOULD HELP ME THROUGH THE HOLE,,,, sO I UH,,,,, sTAYED OUT HERE,,,, wHERE ARE YOU GUYS, UH, GOING?,,,,,

EB: We’re going exploring with Vriska!

CG: COME ON, DON’T JUST TELL HIM.

AT: hEY,,,, c-CAN I COME?,,,,,

CG: NO.

EB: Sure!

CG: DAMNIT JOHN.

AT: aWESOME,,,, tHANKS,,,, tH-THIS IS GONNA BE FUN,,,,,

The three of you head to the astronomy tower to meet Vriska. She raises her eyebrows at you and Nitram, who randomly decided to tag along.

AG: So where do you want to go?

AT: uHH,,,,, c-CAN WE STAY ON THIS FLOOR PLEASE?

AG: Lame!

EB: Please Vriska? He can’t go up or down stairs.

AG: Fine. Come on.

You follow her down the balcony and eventually head into a corridor. You reach a big, black, bolted door.

AG: Hey, how a8out going in here?

CG: IT’S LOCKED.

AG: So?

She takes her wand out and unlocks the door. The four of you step inside and close the door behind you.

AT: uHHH,,,,, gUYS,,,,,,

You turn around. On the ground is a giant, sleeping, three-headed dog. Your eyes widen. The dog is waking up! One of you screams and suddenly all of you are screaming. You and John wrench the door open as Vriska grabs Tavros’ chair and wheels him out. You two run after. You all run as fast as you can until you get back to the entrance of the astronomy tower. You stop, panting.

CG: I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

EB: No kidding…

You hear a few teachers’ voices in the distance.

CG: SHIT. WE BETTER GO BACK.

You say your goodbyes to Vriska and the three of you Gryffindors head back to the portrait hole.

CG: WE ARE NEVER GOING BACK THERE, AS CURIOUS AS I AM TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT THING IS GUARDING.

EB: Guarding?

CG: DIDN’T YOU SEE IT? THERE WAS A DOOR DIRECTLY UNDER WHERE IT WAS SLEEPING.

EB: Woah, cool! We should figure out what’s under there!

CG: NO. NO WE SHOULDN’T.

**EB: Man, Karkat. You’re such a party pooper.**


	3. All the Pretty Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The updated chapter three is here! Yay!

The next week, the Gryffindors awake to a rather exciting post on the noticeboard. Quidditch tryouts will be held next week. You’re alright at flying, but you don’t think you’re going to try out. After all, you’re only a first-year. From what you hear, there is one first-year trying out. You only have to look straight ahead of you to find out whom. Terezi Pyrope. Oh, she’s awesome. You hope she makes it. You heard her sister was on the team as well, as a chaser. You feel a nudge to your arm. Of course, it’s Egbert. Evidently he’s seen you staring at Pyrope over there.

EB: You liiiike her~

CG: NO I DON’T.

Shit. You’re blushing. John giggles.

CG: WELL YOU LIKE THAT SERKET CHICK.

Now it’s John’s turn to blush.

EB: N-no! That’s crazy!

You snicker and look back over to Terezi. There’s a girl next to her who looks like she could be her sister. You realise that she probably is. You look over to where your brother is supposedly studying to see him staring at the girl with a dreamy look on his face. You raise your eyebrows and walk over to him.

CG: HEY, KANKRI.

He snaps out of his trance and goes back to his arithmancy book.

KANKRI: What is it, Karkat? I’m studying.

CG: STUDYING WHAT? THAT GIRL OVER THERE?

He blushes. You smirk.

CG: I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD EVER ACTUALLY HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE.

KANKRI: I d9 n9t have a crush.

CG: KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.

You roll your eyes and walk away.

Ugh. This stupid essay. No matter how hard you try, you can’t figure out which point is supposed to be in the third paragraph. You asked John and Tavros, but they don’t know either. Your pride won’t let you ask any teachers, so you just sit in the library with John, going through books.

GC: H3Y. YOU’R3 K4RK4T, R1GHT?

Your heart seems to stop. You look up at Terezi, nervously. You hope she doesn’t notice your blush.

CG: YEAH. WHY?

GC: C4N YOU F1GUR3 OUT TH1S POT1ONS 3SS4Y?

CG: NO, THIS SHIT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD GO 4SK SN4P3. TH3N YOU COULD COM3 B4CK 4ND T3LL 4LL OF US. TH4T WOULD B3 TOT4LLY R4D.

CG: YOU… YOU WANT ME TO GO ASK SNAPE?

GC: W3LL 1T WOULD B3 4W3SOM3 1F YOU WOULD.

And suddenly your pride is gone.

CG: UH, SURE. I’LL GO ASK HIM.

John looks at you incredulously as you put your essay in your bag and start to head out of the library.

GC: 1’M T3R3Z1 PYROP3, BY TH3 W4Y.

CG: I KNOW.

And with that, you leave the library. You wonder where your potions master could be. You decide to check the teacher’s lounge. You reach the teacher’s lounge, open the door, and peek in. Your much-hated potions professor, Snape, had his bleeding leg hoisted up on the table. Has he been bitten by something?

SNAPE: That thing bit me again! How is anyone supposed to get past a three-headed dog? Honestly…

Three-headed dog? Snape tried to get past that thing?

FILCH: Didn’t I tell you? I heard from the groundskeeper that all you got to do is play it some music and it’ll just fall asleep.

Your eyes widen.

SNAPE: It would have been in both of our best interests if you had told me sooner.

Suddenly Filch looks in your direction.

FILCH: Vantas!

You gasp and step backwards as Snape looks toward you with a murderous expression. Suddenly you don’t know if Pyrope is worth getting scared out of your pants for.

SNAPE: What do you want?

CG: I-I-I JUST H-HAD A QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ESSAY….

Fucking stutter. You feel like Tavros.

SNAPE: Get out!

You jump, nod, and run. You meet John halfway to the library and accidentally run into him.

EB: Karkat! What happened? What’s wrong?

CG: SNAPE… THREE-HEADED DOG… BITTEN… MUSIC…

EB: Woah woah woah wait. Slow down. What about that dog?

You lean on the wall to catch your breath.

CG: SNAPE IS TRYING TO GET PAST THAT DOG. LAST TIME HE GOT BITTEN. FILCH SAID YOU CAN GET PAST IT BY PLAYING MUSIC.

EB: Seriously?! Woah. You think he’s going to try and steal whatever it’s guarding?

CG: YEAH.

EB: What do we do? Tell Headmaster Dumbledore?

CG: NO. WE DON’T HAVE ANY PROOF.

EB: Then what?

CG: THERE’S ONLY ONE THING WE CAN DO. GO AFTER IT OURSELVES.

EB: But you said we’re never going back there-

CG: I KNOW WHAT I SAID.

EB: When should we do it?

CG: …..

**CG: WE’LL DO IT NEXT WEEK.**


	4. To Be a Leader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Update to chapter 4!! This one's extremely short, sorry :(

The next day, you’re walking around aimlessly during your free time. John is hanging out with that Serket girl, which is why he’s not with you. You’re about to walk past a room when something glinting from inside it catches your eye.  You go over and you peek inside. The only thing in the room seems to be a giant mirror. Something draws you to it. You walk inside to stand in front of the big, beautiful mirror, and what you see when you gaze inside amazes you. Looking inside, you realise that this isn’t just an ordinary mirror. Your reflection, unlike you, is smiling, and is surrounded by people who all seem to look up to you, or at least, they look up to your reflection. Your parents, your brother, John, Terezi, Vriska, Tavros, and others, they all seem to respect you… as a leader. You gaze in the mirror with awe and longing. Suddenly the bell rings. You have to go to class. You tear your gaze away from the glorious mirror and head out the door.

You’re in potions class with John sitting next to you. You lean over to talk to him quickly.

CG: JOHN.

EB: What?

CG: WE’RE GOING OUT TONIGHT.

EB: What? Why?

CG: CUS. I HAVE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

EB: Okay.

Little to your knowledge, a certain fishy purple hipster boy has been listening to your conversation with interest. A smirk appears on Ampora’s face as he leans back in his chair.

**CA: got ya noww, vvantas**


	5. Eridan, You Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slight JohnKat friendship feels and Eridan is being a grumpy idiot.

That night, you and John sneak out through the portrait hole and head to the room with the mirror. John doesn’t see what’s so special about some stupid mirror until you make him stand in front of it. His eyes widen.

CG: WHAT DO YOU SEE?

EB: I see… me… but…

CG: BUT WHAT?

EB: I’m with my dad and… he’s saying… how proud of me he is…

You sit down. He does the same, not taking his eyes away from the mirror. You study his face. His bright eyes, his high cheekbones, his ever-present smile. A small smile forms on your own face, seeing him this way. This is your best friend. And right now, you don’t need anyone else. John is enough.

The two of you sit there for a long time. The door suddenly opens. Your transfiguration professor, McGonagall, is wheeling in Tavros. She looks very angry.

AT: i-I’M SORRY GUYS,,,,, i,,,, uH,,,, cAME TO WARN YOU,,,,, eRIDAN AMPORA WAS GOING TO GET YOU INTO TROUBLE,,,, i,,,, uH,,,, hEARD HIM TALKING TO HIMSELF ABOUT IT,,,,,

You and John are sitting frozen, staring at McGonagall.

MCGONAGALL: Come with me.

You and John look at each other nervously before getting up and following her to her office. You walk in to find Eridan Ampora already sitting in one of the chairs in front of McGonagall’s desk. McGonagall turns to face the four of you.

MCGONAGALL: I am disgusted. Four students out of bed at one o’clock in the morning. I am afraid I will have to take away fifty points.

EB: 50?!

MCGONAGALL: Each.

There is silence.

MCGONAGALL: And the four of you will serve detention tomorrow night.

She turns to you three Gryffindors.

MCGONAGALL: In all my life, I have never been more ashamed of Gryffindor.

You look at your feet.

MCGONAGALL: You are dismissed.

You leave her office and head back to Gryffindor tower with your two friends and a heavy heart. You can’t believe you just lost your house 150 points in one go.

The following night, you, John, and Tavros go to meet McGonagall for your detention. Eridan is already there, grumpy as always. McGonagall, surprisingly, takes you outside.

MCGONAGALL: Your job is to go into the Forbidden Forest and find an injured unicorn. Something is happening to the unicorns in there. We don’t know what it is.

You walk until you reach the edge of the forest.

MCGONAGALL: Egbert, you will be going with Nitram. Vantas, you will go with Ampora.

You look at Eridan with disgust. McGonagall dismisses you into the forest and you tug him along off a path heading the opposite way as the path John and Tavros are taking.

You and Eridan have been walking (and bickering) for quite some time before you hear a rustling in the distance.

CG: STOP.

CA: Wwhy should I?

CG: I HEAR SOMETHING OVER THERE.

You walk closer to the source of the noise. Through the mist you see a dark figure in a cloak, slurping something from a creature at its feet. You walk ever closer and you realise that that creature is a unicorn and the cloaked figure is drinking its blood. The figure turns to face you, blood dripping from its dry, pale lips. Eridan screams and runs. The figure glides towards you. You are frozen in fear; you can’t move. You’re going to die. Suddenly, hooves ram into the figure, knocking it backwards. A centaur has come to your rescue.

CENTAUR: Go. Run.

You don’t have to be told twice. You run as fast as you can all the way back to the edge of the forest. Eridan, John, Tavros, and McGonagall are already there. You stop, panting.

**CG: THE UNICORN IS DEAD…**


	6. The Climax of the Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where everything happens! Pretty much. Yeah. Enjoy.

Four days later, you and John sneak down from your dormitory. You’re about to climb out of the portrait hole when Tavros stops you.

AT: wHERE ARE YOU GOING?,,,,,,,  
CG: UH, OUT.  
AT: nO,,,, yOU CAN’T,,,, i,,,, uH,,,, wON’T LET YOU,,,,,,  
CG: WHY NOT?  
AT: yOU’LL GET IN TROUBLE AGAIN,,,,,

You roll your eyes. You and John climb out through the hole, leaving Tavros complaining behind you.

You make it to the black door in the third floor corridor to find Vriska standing there, waiting.

CG: WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?  
EB: I invited her.  
CG: WHY?  
EB: She can help!  
AG: You got music ready?  
CG: YEAH.  
AG: Awesome.

She unlocks the door and the three of you quietly go inside.The dog stirs and you swallow nervously before starting to sing. Vriska and John work together to move one of the dog’s massive paws and open the trap door.

EB: I’ll go first.  
AG: You sure?  
EB: Yeah. If something happens to me, get Dumbledore.  
AG: Okay. Good luck.

John jumps. After a few agonising seconds, his voice is heard from below.

EB: It’s okay! It’s a soft landing!

Vriska looks at you, shrugs, and jumps. You walk slowly towards the door and look down. All you can see is darkness. You gulp and jump in after her.

John is right. It is a soft landing. Almost like… a plant…

John yells. You look over at him and see the plant wrapping itself around him. It starts to do the same thing to you. You thrash around, struggling to get it off.

AG: Stay still guys!  
CG: THIS THING IS GONNA KILL US IF WE DO THAT.  
AG: No, it’s not.

She rolls her eyes as she falls through the plant.

EB: Vriska!  
AG: I’m okay, calm down! Seriously, just stop moving!

John, nervously, follows Vriska’s words and stops struggling. He falls through as well with a yell. You figure that you should follow suit so you stop thrashing around and fall onto the floor below.

AG: Pfft. Idiots.

You stand up and brush yourself off as Vriska goes over to a door and opens it. The three of you go through into a room that seems to filled with..

CG: FLYING KEYS? WHAT THE FUCK?  
AG: I think one of them is supposed to open that door over there.

She points to a big, old, rusty door.

EB: I know which key will open it!

You and Vriska look at him, eyebrows raised. He points up to a key.

EB: That one! It’s rusty, and it’s got a broken wing, indicating it’s already been used.  
CG: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET IT?  
AG: I got this.

You look at her and where the fuck did she get a broomstick? Had it been there the whole time? She mounts the broom and takes off into the air. You and John watch as she chases the key around the room and finally catches it, bringing it down to the door. John takes it and unlocks the door.

In the next room is a giant chessboard. John smiles.

EB: Excellent.  
CG: WHAT’S EXCELLENT? WHAT ABOUT BEING ON A GARGANTUAN CHESSBOARD IS EXCELLENT? WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON?  
EB: We’ve got to play our way through, obviously.

He tells you and Vriska where to stand on the board before going to take the place of a knight. A white piece moves forward.

EB: Let’s do this.

He starts barking orders to varying chess pieces, including apparently you and Vriska. You lose a lot of pieces, but it looks like you could win, if only….

EB: I think… Yeah, i-it’s the only way…  
AG: What is?  
EB: I’ve got to be t-taken…  
CG: NO. YOU CAN’T.  
EB: Dude, it I get taken by the white Queen, that leaves you, Vriska, to take the king! We’ll win! Or, you’ll win…  
CG: JOHN, DON’T.  
EB: Sorry, Karkat…

He orders his own piece onto the square. He swallows nervously as the white queen approaches him. Your screams are muffled as the queen swings at your best friend’s head and knocks him to the ground. A sickening crack is heard as John falls to the floor. You start to run forward, but Vriska stops you.

AG: We’re still playing. We’ll check on him once I win.

You nod as she steps forward. The white king drops his sword. You’ve won the game. You and Vriska both run to John.

CG: HE’S OUT COLD…  
AG: I’ll stay with him. You have to keep going.  
CG: WHY ME?  
AG: You’re 8raver than me, I have to admit…. And don’t you dare tell anyone I said that.  
CG: VRISKA…  
AG: Go!

You nod and stand up. You walk through the last door.

The first thing you see is the mirror. How did it get here? You walk slowly over to it. As you walk, strange thoughts begin to overtake your mind as you stare at the enchanted mirror.

CG: I HAVE TO STOP HIM. I HAVE TO…

You continue to look in the mirror, vaguely wondering who it is you’re trying to stop and what it is you have to save. You notice that your reflection is holding something. It’s… a little red stone. The reflection puts it in his pocket and winks. As he does this, you feel a sudden weight in your own pocket. You snap out of your trance and reach into your pocket and pull out the stone you saw in the mirror. You turn to the door, but suddenly the room goes dark. You hear a voice from behind you.

H O W D O Y O U E X P E C T T O O U T R U N M E W H E N I A M A L R E A D Y H E R E ?

\--

  
You wake up in the hospital wing. You look over to see Dumbledore sitting next to you.

CG: WHAT HAPPENED?  
DUMBLEDORE: Your defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Quirrel, was the one who attacked you in that room. His turban was hiding the legendary Lord English on the back of his head. That stone you had in your pocket was the Philosopher’s stone. That’s what English wanted. Thanks to you and your friends, he didn’t get it. As for what happened to the stone, I have made sure that it has been destroyed. Professor Quirrel is dead, leaving Lord English’s spirit to wander again. You did a very valiant thing, Mr. Vantas.  
CG: WHERE ARE JOHN AND VRISKA? HOW IS JOHN?  
DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Egbert, though having suffered mild head wounds, is fine. He was healed very quickly. Ms. Serket is also fine, and you will likely be seeing them shortly. For now, rest. You have had a very tiring ordeal.

With that, Dumbledore leaves. You rest your head on the pillow and sigh, feeling grateful that you and your friends are safe.


	7. The End (But Not Really)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of Karkat Vantas and that Stupid Fucking Stone! Stay tuned because there'll be a second one eventually :)

It’s the last day of the school year. Finally. The Great Hall is filled with the buzz of student chatter that you really care nothing about. You just want to know who won the House Cup. After all you’ve been through, it sure as Hell had better be Gryffindor. The room falls silent as Dumbledore rises from his seat and clears his throat. The students all turn their attention towards him as he begins to speak.

DUMBLEDORE: Currently, Slytherin is in the lead for the House Cup.

You groan. There’s a cheer from the Slytherin table. You look over and glare at Eridan Ampora. That smug bastard.

DUMBLEDORE: However, due to recent events, I have some last-minute points to award. First, for keeping an extraordinarily cool head in the face of danger, I award Vriska Serket of Slytherin house, fifteen points.

Slytherin cheers again, but this time so do you and John. You give Vriska a sort-of grin from across the room.

DUMBLEDORE: And, for the best-played chess game Hogwarts has ever seen, I award John Egbert of Gryffindor twenty-five points.

John smiles widely as you and all of Gryffindor cheers for him. He turns scarlet and hides his smile with his sleeve. It’s actually rather adorable.

DUMBLEDORE: And, for great bravery, intuition, and loyalty, leadership, and determination, I award Karkat Vantas of Gryffindor house, fifty points.

Your mouth drops open as the whole of Gryffindor cheers loudly for you.

EB: Karkat! Karkat! We’re tied with Slytherin!

Your eyes widen and you look at John before looking back up at Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE: And lastly, it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends. Therefore, I award five points to Tavros Nitram of Gryffindor house.

The Gryffindor table seems to explode with cheers and excitement. Everybody reaches out to hug some part of Tavros, including you. You grin, seeing his shocked face. You almost can’t believe it. Gryffindor has just won the House Cup.

\--

You’re back at King’s Cross Station. You can see Kankri standing around, waiting for you to get off the train so you can go home to your dad’s house for the summer. You’re about to go with him, but then you turn around and see John. You let go of your bag and run to him, hugging him tightly. You know it’s a bit out-of-character for you, but right now, you don’t really care.

CG: SEE YOU NEXT YEAR, OKAY?

EB: Sure! Maybe we can even visit during the summer!

You smile and start to head back to your brother. You’ve just gotten off the train when you’re intercepted by Vriska.

AG: Hey, Karkat.

CG: HI VRISKA. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

She shrugs, looking off into the distance.

AG: Came to say good8ye, I guess.

CG: OH. WELL, BYE I GUESS. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.

AG: Yeah… Feels kinda weird to 8e going home, doesn’t it?

CG: YEAH… EXCEPT, I DON’T THINK I’M GOING HOME. NOT REALLY.

And with that, you smile and head home with your brother. Well, as you said to Vriska, you’re not really going home, are you?


End file.
